📣 I'm designing a career transition program for mid-career women who want to figure out what's next for their careers that fits into their ideal lifestyle. To keep up with the program’s development and be the first to know when the pilot launches, click here.
I'm not a gambling woman, but I'd bet you’re a planner.
The type (A) to design an airtight plan. Your plans feel like a warm security blanket when what you guessed would happen does (proactivity for the win!).
But those plans become a wet blanket when the unexpected tosses everything out the window.
I understand that feeling all too well because my drive for excellence means everything is seen as a challenge.
Don't tell me I can't do something.
When I hit a snag in my life, my go-to solution was making a detailed plan, a back-up plan, a back-up plan for my back-up plan, and moving as fast as possible.
'If Plan A doesn't work, then there's a Plan B. If B doesn't work, then there's Plan C. And if C doesn't work, thankfully I have Plan D...'
That thinking benefited me a lot in life. It gives me confidence - I’m rewarded for being an excellent planner.
Why would I do anything differently?
In the short term, that approach can work. But it gives us blind spots. It is not sustainable. We burn out. We start over (again).
I’ve struggled to slow down and wouldn’t ask for help for most of my life. Because I should be able to figure this out on my own.
My life is *my* problem to solve.
The Dunning-Kruger effect
Every year, life gets layers like rings on a tree.
The layers pile on, and you realize that your expectations for success turned out very different from reality. And then there’s the parts you don’t dare say out loud:
'I know this isn't working, but I can't stop. Because if I don't succeed, who am I?'
You've invested so much in being this version of yourself that quitting feels like admitting all the work and sacrifices were a waste.
You're in the gap between knowing yourself and having mastery over yourself.
Psychologists have a name for the gap between knowing and true mastery: the Dunning-Kruger effect.
This gap isn't something to master. You're not learning a new skill. You're unlearning who you thought you had to be. We tend to fall back into old habits when what we really need is a helping hand.
Keeping your plans in mind is fine.
Just stop letting them keep you.
Planning like you’re still 20 won’t work at 40. Hell, it won’t even work at 30.
You already know what planning at 20 looks like. You use a plan to jumpstart you from zero to the initial high of starting something. It's exciting, people are cheering you on, and you feel hopeful.
You easily reach the first peak.
After that, your perfectly laid plans get tossed down the proverbial hill. Doubt creeps in.
You spiral straight into the Valley of Despair. You are embarrassed. You think to yourself, ‘Would everything be better if I just quit?’
👺 That shame? A dream killer.
⚔️ The shame killer? Empathy.
💕 The only way to receive empathy when you're low? Other empathetic people.
Plans will not come to your rescue. People will - but only if you say something.
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Systems > plans
Over the last few issues, I shared the exact methodology I use to help my high-performing clients figure out what they really want next - a career that aligns with their values and ideal lifestyle.
So far we covered:
- Identify it.
- Call bullshit.
- Reframe it.
The fourth step is Sustain It. This is the hardest part of the methodology because it's the part where "I should be able to figure this out by myself" screams the loudest.
Sustaining the status quo is easy. But how do you sustain through uncertainty, upheaval, and the unknown while still feeling in control?
🤓 You build a system.
Rather than making a ton of plans that will be abandoned anyway, my clients and I work on strengthening the mental muscle of handling the unknown.
We reframe "What will I do if something goes wrong?" into "Here's what I will do if something goes wrong."
Read that again.
The first phrase evokes helplessness, worry, anxiety. It is also devoid of context - that question implies you alone control the outcome.
The second phrase says: I trust myself to figure it out.
↑ That is a sustainable belief and approach to life problems.
For many of my clients, coaching with me is part of their Sustain It System because they understand that they can't plan for every single scenario that happens at work and at home.
They understand that their judgment gets clouded when they're triggered. While they are going in the right direction, it's easy to get stuck in those lows, unable to make decisions. Especially if it feels like a decision is forcing them to choose between work, family, and themselves.
Hey 'SIS'!
To build your own Sustain It System (SIS), you need to find multiple sources of feedback and accountability for a holistic, 360° view.
DIY is fine in the beginning, but it will limit you.
You can start by scheduling a quarterly 1:1 check-in with yourself. Reflect on questions like:
- What am I working towards?
- What is working so far and what's not working?
- What can I change?
Talk to a coach or a mentor you trust, meaning you know you can be psychologically safe with them and they will be honest with you.
The person should help guide you to where you want to be, and know they aren't a savior.
A guide's job is to walk beside you and point out the cliffs before you fall. Let's be clear: the Sustain It System doesn't protect you from every low - it keeps you moving so you don't stay there.
I've been in the lows more times than I can count. I, with the help of countless people, have learned the way out. Being helped allows me to help others. Because if I'm taking care of everyone else, there's no one left to take care of me.
And when (not if) I go down, everyone else goes down with me. This makes me a liability.
You don't want to be a liability. You know you should ask for help for the really tough stuff. You know this intellectually.
What you know and feel matters to you. Your actions matter to others.
Are you acting like a liability or a lifeline?
Take care of yourself,
