better work issue #11

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🔒 Why your motivation tactics aren't working anymore

👋 Hey, it's Susan. Welcome to better work - a personal development newsletter for high-performers who put themselves first so that they can show up for the people they love.

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High-performers are natural influencers.

📸 Not the Instagram baddie kind of influencers (nothing wrong with that by the way).

You're the impact kind of influencer who excel at motivating people, even when you don’t have formal authority over them. But sometimes your usual approach falls flat, leaving you frustrated and questioning your abilities.

💡 The real problem is that you’re using the same motivation strategy for everyone. Today we’re exploring how to unlock what truly drives each person so you can influence effectively, from yourself to your boss to your partner.

Read the full newsletter below.

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My 10th grade psychology teacher gave us a riddle: “What is the one thing that controls everyone in this room?”

We shouted our answers: our parents, the law, the Matrix, you!

Fighting a smile, my psychology teacher kept shaking his head.

“You’re running out of time,” he teased.

We kept throwing out answers until the bell rang.

As we rose from our seats, my teacher said, “It’s the bell.”

🔔 That lesson was over twenty years ago and I still remember that moment.

What else am I reacting to without realizing it?

The brain is still a mystery. On top of that, we're trying to figure out who we are outside of what we do.

Self-discovery is long and messy work, but it's rewarding. A strong relationship with yourself deepens your relationships with others, from friends to colleagues.

When you understand what motivates people (including yourself), then you can influence people at work who are way above your pay grade, convince your toddler to keep her diaper on, or make your partner believe that the restaurant y’all ended up at was really their idea. 😉

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🟡 The Four Tendencies

It's so much easier to find ourselves in a four-letter personality type or zodiac description than to do the messy work of figuring out what we want.

Don't get me wrong. Myers-Briggs/16 Personalities, StrengthsFinder, Enneagram and the many other personality tests are fun, but things get dicey when people reduce their entire identity to a test result.

🧂 Take everything with a grain of salt. Everyone doesn't neatly fit into a category and that's why I'm a fan of Gretchen Rubin's book and framework The Four Tendencies.

Rubin starts off with a disclaimer that The Four Tendencies are not a complete picture of what motivates you or others. They are simply another identifier of the many that you have because identity is much more complex.

Here are the four tendencies:

🤝 Obligers

• Meet outer expectations but struggle with inner expectations
• They’ll help everyone else but can’t stick to their own goals
• They need external accountability to follow through
• ➡️ Motivate them with accountability and not letting others down

🤞 Upholders

• They meet inner expectations AND outer expectations
• They keep promises to others and themselves
• They love schedules and hate when others don’t follow through
• ➡️ Motivate them with clear expectations and systems

❓ Questioners

• They meet inner expectations BUT resist outer expectations unless justified
• They ask “Why?” before doing anything
• They need to understand the logic behind requests
• ➡️ Motivate them with rationale and personal benefit

🔥 Rebels

• Resist both outer and inner expectations
• They do what they want, when they want
• They hate being told what to do (even by themselves)
• ➡️ Motivate them with choice, freedom, and authentic self-expression

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It's possible for someone to be a combination of two tendencies. The book also covers how to motivate others based on their tendency, plus many examples of how these show up at home, work, and with yourself.

➡️ Complete the free quiz to find your tendency, then keep reading below on how to apply The Four Tendencies to yourself and to others.

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🫵 How to apply The Four Tendencies to yourself

I'm a Questioner.

I used to be an Obliger (met outer expectations, struggled with inner ones), then I shifted to an Upholder (met inner and outer expectations), and now I’m a Questioner (meets inner expectations and will only meet outer expectations if I know the reason why).

I believe my destiny is to be a Rebel - inside every straight-A student is a Rebel waiting to be let out. 😈

As you grow and evolve, so do your patterns and motivations. It's a natural part of the healing journey.​

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Here are best practices on how to apply your tendency:

🤞🤝 For Obligers and Upholders: Get external accountability. You’re afraid of letting other people down, so you’ll stay on course, even when motivation wanes.

It's good to have a Questioner or Rebel around in case the course becomes a lost cause and you resist quitting because you feel bad.

Fun Fact: most of the population are Obligers or Upholders. This explains why the most popular productivity tools involve accountability.

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❓ For Questioners: Be crystal clear about what you want and how it ties to your purpose or benefits you.

It’s OK to do something because you just want to, but make sure it’s actually what you want. Otherwise, it’s easy to bail when things get hard.

On the flip side, questioning everything can get exhausting. Bring in an Upholder to help you move forward even when you don't have all the answers.

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🔥 For Rebels: Do whatever you want because you’re not going to listen anyway. 🤣

Are you saying no because you're feeling pressured or being guilt-tripped? Or are you saying no because it . Your instinct is to resist, so having a Questioner around to help you talk through the process is helpful.

By the way, I’m ordering you to NOT share this newsletter. 😉

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🫂 How to apply The Four Tendencies to others

Did you know that there's a 95% success rate of completing a goal when there's external accountability?

...Unless you're a Rebel or working with one. 🙅‍♀️

Even though a majority of people are Obligers who thrive from external accountability, assuming that the people you’re trying to influence are that way can backfire.

You find yourself doubting your abilities: “I don’t understand why it’s not working,” or dismissing the person you're trying to motivate: “Clearly something is wrong with them.”

So how do you know which tendency they are?

💡 Ask.

• How do you usually react when someone tells you what to do?
• Does external accountability help or hinder your progress?
• Do you ever break promises to yourself?

If asking is out of the question, then observe them.

How do they behave when assigned something?

🏁 Do they finish what they're doing before they start the new task? (Upholder)

💨 Do they drop everything and start working on it (Obliger)?

⏸️ Do they ask a bunch of questions first (Questioner)?

💬 Or do they completely ignore you (Rebel)?

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🔓 How to influence anyone (ethically)

Identifying another person's tendency is like unlocking a cheat code.

High-performers often worry they're crossing ethical boundaries when they become powerful influencers. The main concern is coming off as manipulative rather than motivational, especially if they are selling something.

Let's set the record straight.

Here's the difference between motivation and manipulation:

🙌 Motivation serves the other person's interests.

• You genuinely want them to succeed
• The outcome benefits them, even if it also benefits you
• You're transparent about your intentions

👹 Manipulation serves only your interests.

• You prioritize your outcome over their wellbeing
• You hide your true motivations
• You exploit their tendency for your gain

Let's use the example of selling something, like a high ticket coaching service.

🙌 A motivational influencer would say: "This six-month coaching program includes weekly accountability check-ins because you mentioned external support helps you follow through. Here is the rest of the program details including the cost. Would you like to hear about what past clients with similar goals achieved professionally and personally within the program?"

👹 A manipulative influencer would say: "You're not achieving your goals because you're overthinking. Hundreds of women finally achieved their goals when they took my program. You need to trust the process. Are you ready to be successful?"

If you're still unsure if you're sounding motivational or manipulative, then ask a trusted colleague or friend for their feedback.

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🏁 Final thoughts

Understanding how to motivate others isn’t only about influence - it’s about building better relationships and creating more effective systems in your work and life.

When you stop trying to motivate everyone the same way, you’ll find that “difficult” people become more cooperative, you become more productive, and even your personal relationships improve.

That includes the relationship you have with yourself.

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🫡 See you on June 26th.

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Take care of yourself,

Susan

Susan Lee

Career coach for holistic growth ⭐ enrolling clients for Summer 2025 ⭐

Founder of Hey Ms. Lee, LLC​

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P.S. I'm curious - are you an Obliger, Upholder, Questioner, or a Rebel? Were you surprised by your results? Reply and let me know your tendency!

P.P.S. If you found this issue helpful but still feel stuck in other areas of your growth, you might be dealing with one of the four common blind spots for high-performers. Want to learn more? Click here to join the VIP list and stay tuned. ​

What did you think about today's newsletter? (🚨 make sure you confirm your choice on the next screen) 🤯 I NEEDED this! You read my mind. 🤔 It made me think in a good way. 🤓 Not my favorite but I enjoyed the read.

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✌️ After Work

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