π¨ Why you need to be hard on yourself
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π Hey, it's Susan. Welcome to better work - a personal development newsletter for high-performers who put themselves first so that they can show up for the people they love.
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π Picture this: you tell a trusted friend how stuck and frustrated you feel about your goals.
"I should be so much further along than this," you say.
Your friend tells you to stop being so hard on yourself and lists the reasons why. Your friend makes logical sense, but youβre still unconvinced.
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π»ββοΈ Because your friend is wrong.
You need to be hard on yourself.
But the real question is β‘οΈ About what?
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Read the full newsletter below.
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Growing up, shame was used as the primary motivator.
If I got a 99%, then I failed. If I got a 100%, then it better stay that way...or else.
To avoid failure and the punishment that followed, I strived for perfection. And to an extent, it worked.
When the external punishment ended, I willingly took over the job.
More shame = more success, right?
πΉ Enter: the inner critic.
The inner critic is insidious because it's relentless. Unlike people, the inner critic never gets tired.
The inner critic is there when you lie in bed, and itβs there when you wake up. Itβs there to dull your achievements, and it's definitely there when you fail.
Unsurprisingly, high-performers have a love/hate relationship with goals.
- π When they achieve a goal, their first thought is "OK, what's next?"
- π€¬ When they fail to meet a goal, they immediately give themselves shit for what they shoulda-coulda-woulda done.
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I knew I was being unfair to myself, but I didn't know how else to operate. When I was too easy on myself, I felt like I was underperforming, and that felt shitty too.
After years of struggling to find the happy middle, I had a breakthrough: the solution wasn't how, but what.
We are being too hard on ourselves about the things we can't control.
And, we are being too easy on ourselves about the things we can control.
We had it backwards.
As a career coach for high-performers, I see this backwards thinking in job transitions and side hustles all the time.
Even if you're not a career coach, but you're on LinkedIn, I bet you see this too. ππΌ
People set arbitrary timelines for things they can't control ("I'll land a new job in 30 days" or "I'll replace my salary in 6 months"), then beat themselves up when it doesn't happen.
Meanwhile, they avoid the stuff they can control, like attending networking events and following up on a sales call. The uncomfortable but controllable tasks that move the needle.
Unfortunately, this backwards thinking leads to premature pivots or freezing indefinitely.
Ask me how I know. π«
We're being hard on ourselves about the wrong things. We need to be hard on ourselves about showing up and doing the messy work.
And we need to be gentle with ourselves about everything else.
So how do we fix our backwards thinking?
We start by changing our approach to goal-setting.
(And if you'd rather scrub your toilet than write another S.M.A.R.T goal, then this next part is dedicated to you).
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Goals vs targets
Most of what we call goals are actually targets.
π― Targets = outcomes you're aiming for but can't fully control
- Increase sales by 30%
- Gain 1,000 subscribers
- Lose 20 pounds
β½ Goals = actions you commit to taking that are within your control
- Make 20 sales calls this month
- Publish 2 newsletter issues per month
- Attend 3 pilates classes every week
When we confuse targets as goals, we set ourselves up for disappointment.
π§πΌββοΈ The inner critic feeds off disappointment like a vampire.
As talented as you are, you can't control the outcome, only your actions (and your response to the outcome).
Side note: I know this is frustrating if your performance review is based on targets and not goals. But there are ways for targets and goals to work together.
If you studied in the U.S., you probably heard of S.M.A.R.T. goals. This framework helps you write goals that are Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time-bound.
But S.M.A.R.T. goals don't match how people think, they're corporate-y, and often result in meaningless busy work.
As a result, S.M.A.R.T. goals set you up for the wrong kind of accountability - the kind you can't control.
To create controllable goals, use the Yes/No Rule.
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Yes/No Rule
The Yes/No Rule is one of the decision frameworks in The Decision Book: Fifty Models for Strategic Thinking by Mikael Krogerus.
You start by creating three yes-or-no questions based on clear parameters. Then you run the drafted goal through all three questions.
Here's my Yes/No Rule for creating controllable goals:
- Can I control the process?
- Can I measure the progress?
- Does this goal have a clear endpoint?
The drafted goal needs three yeses to pass the test.
For example, letβs say I wanted to set a health goal.
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Here are two goals that would NOT pass the Yes/No Rule
β βWork out every day for 30 minutes.β
You can control the process and measure your progress, but there isn't a clear endpoint.
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β βFeel more confident in my body.β
While you could control the process (by choosing to feel confident), itβs hard to measure progress, and the endpoint is unclear.
These aren't unrealistic health goals, but they are unclear. Unclear goals land you in goal limbo: the work feels never-ending.
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Hereβs a health goal that passes the Yes/No Rule
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"Complete a 30-day workout challenge."
You can control whether or not you show up to do the workouts. You can measure your progress (day 1, day 2, etc). And there is a clear endpoint (finished after 30 days).
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Controllable goals aren't about achievement, but proving to yourself that you can show up. They allow room for life's surprises; you might miss a couple of days if youβre down with the stomach flu or your basement floods. Instead of throwing in the towel for missing a day, you jump right back in when you recover from the disruption.
π€ But I haven't even told you the best part.
Traditional goals have an anti-climax. You make it to the top, get a brief high, then immediately start looking for the next challenge.
With controllable goals, something different happens: you start caring more about the process than the outcome.
You shift from chasing goals to pursuing mastery. With the latter, you don't ask "What's next?" because you're on an ongoing journey.
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Impact on identity
When I started my business, I set goals that were so outside of my control, that I felt discouraged at the end of each year. I fell for the hype that I needed to "think big" to be successful, but I had no frame of reference on what that looked like for me.
So when I set my goals for 2025, I made myself rewrite them until they were controllable goals.
For example:
β βGain 1,000 email subscribers.β I canβt control who subscribes.
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βPublish 2 newsletter issues per month for a total of 24 issues by the end of the year."
How am I doing so far?
β‘οΈ This is issue #18 and Iβm on track to complete all 24 by the end of this year. π₯³
Staying consistent with the controllable goal led to more subscribers (my target). I might not hit my target of 1,000 subscribers this year, but that's OK because:
a) my email list grew faster this year than any of the previous years combined, and
b) I fell in love.
𧑠I love writing again and it shows. Readers are responding to better work in ways I would have never imagined.
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Even if my business shut down tomorrow, I would continue to write because it's more than a goal.
Writing is a part of who I am.
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So ask yourself...
When am I being too hard on myself when I should be gentle?
When am I being too easy on myself when I need more accountability?
How can I revise my goals to be controllable while still being ambitious?
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π₯ If you want feedback on the last part, I'm only a reply away.
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Thank you for reading.
π«‘ See you on October 9th. Stay safe out there.
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