better work issue #22

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🥸 Self-care is a scam

👋 Hey, it's Susan. Welcome to better work - a personal development newsletter for high-performers who put themselves first so that they can show up for the people they love.

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🚩 Balance is bullshit.

You can't find balance when you have to take time off to book a doctor's appointment.

You can’t find balance when you're a working parent with kids unless you have an army of people like Beyoncé.

You can't find balance in a system that wants you to stay unhealthy and unhappy, so you keep buying crap you don't need.

Balance is one part of the self-care narrative that's impossible to achieve. While more people are waking up from the scam, we're still left with the question, "What are we supposed to do instead?"

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Read the full newsletter below.

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Self-care marketing does a fantastic job of making it look like everyone else has it figured out. Our brains know that it's not true, but it's hard to deny what we see.

Instead of getting mad at the system that set us up for failure, we get mad at ourselves.

Self-care is no longer a special treat. Self-care is another thing that needs to get done.

When we don't get it done the right way, we get frustrated with ourselves. So we either give up or spend money on things like a vacation that we need another vacation from.

One of my clients was stuck in this self-care spiral.

My client scheduled a day of self-care to carve out some me-time. She lived by her calendar, so she thought this was enough accountability to make it happen.

But the real challenge wasn't finding the time, it was protecting the time.

When the day came, her mind started to negotiate:

• You should catch up on work after being sick last week.
• That bookcase from IKEA needs to be put together.
• You barely spent time with the kids this weekend.

🏳️ Her mind won.

She didn't have self-esteem issues, and she knew she deserved that day off. But other competing priorities were hard to ignore.

She postponed her self-care day to the following month, promising herself that she would make it happen next time.

But something else came up that was more of a priority, so she postponed again. Eventually, she grew tired of being reminded how she sucked at this, and deleted it from her calendar.

Refusing to give up, she tried a different approach.

Instead of planning ahead, she tried to practice self-care in the moment.

After being up all night with her sick toddler, then jumping straight into an eight-hour workday, my client decided to take a quick nap in between meetings.

As soon as she laid down, her mind started to negotiate.

• Oh dang it, I didn't get to work out this morning.
• Those baskets of laundry need to be folded.
• What if my boss Slacks me with an emergency?

To my client's credit, she stayed in bed. But she was wide-awake and felt guilty the entire time.

Everyone says rest is productive, but I tried resting and it was unproductive. I'm bad at self-care.

☝🏼 If you ever had this thought, then you need to hear what I said to her:

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She treated self-care like another task, rather than a way of being.

That's the difference between "Am I doing self-care right?" and "Am I treating myself like someone I care about?"

That reframe was one of her breakthroughs in our work together.

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Self-care without the punishment

While self-care is primarily marketed to women, men also feel the pressure too. It's just packaged differently.

The primary word used in marketing for men is performance (in every sense of the word 🍆). While women also tie their performance to their identity and self-worth, men are emasculated if they don't meet high performance standards.

Both groups are hard on themselves.

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How do we set realistic standards and manage our own expectations?

How do we stop judging ourselves so harshly for not getting it right the first time?

We're not starting with "good enough" because you have no idea what that means.

You're not used to operating at good enough. You don't know your limits until you've crossed them. You set boundaries with others, but not with yourself, so you don't notice you're overdoing it until you crash into your blind spot.

🛑 Stop trying to make every action strategic, productive, meaningful, or whatever buzzword is trending right now.

An alternative way to practice self-care is the just because approach.

Let's implement the just because approach with something serious: money.

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Just because

My husband and I practice just because with something we call fun money - a monthly allowance for adults.

Two rules:

1. You have to spend it that month (no rollovers), and
2. It has to be something impractical

My husband spends his fun money on Magic cards (lol nerd). He's buying literal cardboard. But he gets so much joy from ripping open the foil of a fresh pack of cards because you never know what you'll get.

🧇 I like to find goofy things that make me smile, like a magnetic bookmark shaped like a waffle, or pretty things like blooming tea. We will allow practical purchases if they embody the fun money spirit, like this t-shirt.​

👉 Let's be clear: self-care isn't buying random shit.

Fun money works as self-care because it gives us permission to play.

My husband and I work hard for our money. Every purchase needs a justification. But taken to an extreme, it's not an enjoyable way to live.

Are we working this hard to pay bills and then die?

We take vacations and go on date nights, but our day-to-day is rigid. Fun money is one of the small ways we sprinkle joy in our normal routine.

This silly thing I bought doesn't need justification. I bought it because I wanted it. I did it for me.

Self-care is more than the act; self-care is about how you think about yourself. That your wants are just as much of a priority as your job, your family, and that IKEA bookcase.

Another example of just because is doing something creative without treating it like another income stream. I've had dozens of conversations with high-performers who started something on the side for fun, but felt pressured to monetize it by other people.

Here's what I told them: postpone putting financial pressure on the thing you love for as long as possible. Because once you monetize it, it becomes a job.

Right now, the thing you love already has a job - to give you joy.

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What to use instead of 'balance'

The word 'balance' is so overused that it's starting to sound like smurf. 'Balance' is used for everything and means nothing at the same time.

When you say that you want more balance, what do you actually want?

Permission? Validation? Acceptance?

Now pay attention to the first objection that your mind throws at you: selfish.

But wait: you're not selfish, you do so much for others, sometimes to a fault.

Can you be a good person and get what you want without being selfish?

Yes. But you can't see how because of two blind spots: identity and beliefs.

​Identity and beliefs are two of the four blind spots that block your personal growth. Without working through these blind spots, you will keep trying to be the best version of every role you play. You will fail at this because you're a human being. Then you will feel guilty and push yourself harder. Rinse and repeat.

Here's an example of an identity and beliefs blind spot combo:

🛡️ Industries that are centered on service, like teaching and the military, are not jobs, they are identities.

Both believe in sacrificing for the greater good, that the job comes first, despite the negative impacts on everything else. They are thankless jobs, so if you're lucky, you might receive some delayed gratification. You're underpaid, but you don't do this for the money. 👀

Then you burn out. To survive, you pivot industries and find a job with more flexibility and more pay (like tech). On paper, you're doing better. You're not as stressed, but you're restless. You don't find meaning in your work; KPIs and ROIs make you think FML. You still have the Sunday scaries, even though there's nothing to be scared about.

You thought you moved on, but your soul hasn't caught up yet.

You can't optimize or strategize your soul. Give yourself space to just be by doing things just because. With time, practice, and guidance, your soul finds its way back to you.

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🙏 I rely on word of mouth to grow my business, so thank you in advance for your support!

🫡 See you on December 4th (only 2 issues left this year!)

Take care of yourself,

Susan

Susan Lee

Career coach for high-performers

Founder of Hey Ms. Lee, LLC​

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P.S. 👀 Take this quiz to find your primary blind spot and one simple way to shift it into a breakthrough. One person said, "After seeing the result, I reflected on my actions and it IS TRUE. 🥺"

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After Work

This is a bonus section where I share opportunities, recommendations, freebies, and funsies.

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🍷 pity party

​This is your invitation to practice just because with the kindest, real-est people on the internet.

I'm not going to meet my 2025 goals. Neither is Adriana Tica. So we're throwing a pity party for ourselves and anyone else who has a sense of humor.

Bring your favorite comfort food (or wine).

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