better work issue #19

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🏠 What we got wrong about building communities (and how to fix it)

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👋 Hey, it's Susan. Welcome to better work - a personal development newsletter for high-performers who put themselves first so that they can show up for the people they love.

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Isn't it weird to think that we know more people virtually than we do in real life? Thanks technology!

As we spend more time online, we naturally seek connection. But lately, "community" feels more like a buzzword rather than a place of belonging.

"Community" is now a trendy marketing strategy. From apparel brands to online courses, you're offered a community anywhere that accepts major credit cards.

👇🏼 Like this company that sells kids' shoes.

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But if online communities were enough, why do we feel lonelier than ever?

Today, we're going to cover how convenience became the enemy of connection, what we keep getting wrong about online communities, and how we can build community IRL without moving back home.

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Read the full newsletter below.

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"Your dog can't get on this flight."

We were moving out of Hawaii and heading back to the East Coast. All of our household goods were packed and shipped weeks ago. Our two cars were on a cargo ship, sailing across the Pacific Ocean.

And the airline was refusing to board our dog.

...Three hours before departure.

In full-blown panic mode, we called our friend Joe, who lived on the island and had seen us the night before to send us off. "Give me a ring if something weird happens. Like your dog not being able to get on the flight," he joked that evening.

Joe answered our call immediately. Without hesitation, he jumped in his car and raced over to the airport so he could pick up our dog Rue.

Long story short, we negotiated for Rue to get on the first leg of the flight with us. At our layover, my husband rented a car and drove twenty-two hours with Rue from Texas to Pennsylvania, while I wrangled a squirmy 18-month-old on the second flight.

Even though Joe didn't end up taking our dog, his responsiveness gave us the space to calmly come up with another solution that didn't leave our furry family member behind.

It was a reminder that having a community wasn't a nice-to-have, but a need-to-have. Especially when you moved as often as we did to places where we had zero connections (comes with the military lifestyle).

But if community is a necessity, then why are so many of us lacking it?

The price of independence

Independence is highly coveted in the U.S. It's kind of our brand.

One of the first ways we claim our independence is by moving out of our parents' house. Going back is not an option.

Being independent really means being financially independent. It's OK if you don't know how to cook, do laundry, or change a flat tire. Most things can be bought.

The best part? We don't have to leave the house.

👩🏼‍💻 We work remotely.

🫑 We order groceries.

💊 We have tele-health.

🧹 We hire house cleaners.

Everything is just so convenient.

Except one thing ➡️ relationships.

We love our friends and family, but we need a good excuse to actually go see them. Not just the ones who live out-of-state, but even the ones who are thirty minutes away by car.

Our relationships start to feel like insurance policies; we mainly call on them when there is an emergency that we can't handle alone.

Let's be clear: I'm not shaming those who don't see their family more often. Not every job can be done remotely and family estrangement is real.

So if moving locations or traveling every weekend aren't realistic options for you right now, there's another way to have the community you need.

⚠️ Warning: This approach has no shortcuts, it's inconvenient, and you have to leave the house.

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Three-part village framework

We need the kind of community that gives us a sense of belonging, not the kind that requires a monthly payment.

Many online communities are misleading and unsustainable because they try to act like communities but they are actually memberships. If there is minimal interaction between the members, then it's not a community. If the group dissolves because the group's creator stops engaging, then it's not a community.

Communities require commitment because they need each other to accomplish important things. If you only show up when it's convenient, then you don't really need it. It's not a community, it's a resource.

All communities are resources, but not all resources are communities.

Communities are built over time. One person can initially bring a group of people together, but the behavior of the group over time is what determines if it is a community or not.

To keep things straight, we're going to use the term village for committed communities.

When I think of a village, I don't picture Facebook groups and Slack channels. I picture a small town with a tight-knit group of people who are in each other's business (and they like it that way). It's giving Gilmore Girls vibes.

Since we're not all living a real-life version of Gilmore Girls, or have the means to move next door to our best friends, we need to make things work with where we are now - literally.

Here's a three-part framework to help you build (not buy) your village.

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1. Talk to your neighbors.

I was on my way home when my neighbor, M, texted me in a panic.

She locked herself in the nursery, paralyzed with fear because her cat Marvin was play-hunting with an unfortunate mouse in the living room.

Without a second thought, I ran over with a broom and dustpan, even though I was a tiny bit less terrified than she was.

I met my neighbor a few months back when we moved in. Normally, I don't interact with my neighbors other than an occasional wave. But as I get older, I value in-person interactions a lot more. Plus, we bought a home in a city, which has unexpected challenges.

🐭 Like rodents.

You can't hire someone for everything. Your friend who is out-of-state is too far away. You need a reliable person nearby and the price is being a good neighbor. Exchange phone numbers, say more than "Hi," and drop off cookies because you baked (or bought) extra.

Start building your village with the people who are already around you. If you are craving connection with other normal human beings, I can guarantee there are many others like you on your block.

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2. Show up without being asked.

As life gets busier, we've gotten into the habit of seeing our friends when we have a good excuse. But taken too far, we'll only see our loved ones at holidays and funerals.

Too harsh? Count how many days in a year you see your best friend. Then times that by 30 years. That's how much time you have left with them. If you don't like that number, then good news: you can change that.

My friends are overly considerate; they don't want to be a bother and wait for permission. So I intentionally tell my friends to drop by or call on a whim.

🍝 I made too much pasta. Can I drop some off?

📚 Want to go co-work at the library this afternoon?

🛋️ Are you free this weekend to hang out on my couch?

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Doing things on a whim might seem inconvenient. We like to plan and be efficient as possible. But human connections can't be planned or optimized. That's why we can't stand icebreakers and small talk.

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3. Give people a chance to love on you.

The original title of this section was "Ask for help even when you don't really need it," but that sounds so unoriginal.

What does it mean to "give people a chance to love on you"?

👉🏼 Let your village take care of you when you don't need them.

Humor me for a second:

We're usually the ones who other people need. And it feels good to be needed and useful, right?

🎁 Giving someone else the chance to feel needed, useful, and good is a gift.

Besides, if you only interact with them when there's an emergency, then they will act the same way, even though you are willing to do more. Let them love on you without feeling like you need to do something in return. When you start keeping score, the interactions turn into transactions.

The thing we all need and can't do alone is human connection. You won't die without it, but it's not a good way to live.

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Buying back the village

There are rare cases when you can buy a village, but not as an individual and not in the way that you think.

🇫🇷 For example, a community of Parisians called Hyper Voisins (Super Neighbors) is buying back their village by collectively purchasing a €600,000 building to turn into a communal space in Paris.

The space will host knitting workshops with elderly neighbors, homework help for kids, cooking classes, a lending library for bikes, and a spot for package delivery.

The Hyper Voisins was built over time. They had a WhatsApp group, and met for community meals and activities on a regular basis. Buying the building was the natural next step.

While money can solve some community-related problems, people are the ones who make an impact.

You don't need to buy a building, knock on every door, or become an extrovert to build a village.

👉🏼 Show up when you say you will. Speak up without an invitation. Step outside to...just go outside more.

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Thank you for reading issue #19 of better work.

🫡 See you on October 23rd. Stay safe out there.

Take care of yourself,

Susan

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Susan Lee

Career coach for high-performers

Founder of Hey Ms. Lee, LLC​

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P.S. 👀 If you're still feeling stuck despite your success, then find out what's actually getting in the way.​

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✌️ After Work

This is a bonus section where I share opportunities, recommendations, freebies, and funsies.

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📌 Have you been thinking about starting a side hustle that leverages your expertise, but keep getting stuck in the planning phase?

I'm creating a space where we stop talking about "someday" and actually choose your direction, map your resources, and take your first real actions.

​Click here if you'd like to know more when it's ready.​

If there's enough interest, then the people who clicked the above link will be the first to know.

FYI - This is specifically for high-performers who want to build something meaningful while keeping their day job. Think strategic work finished together, not another course to add to your to-do list.

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