better work issue #2

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Why your work-life integration feels off (and how to fix it).

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👋 Hey, it's Susan. Welcome to better work - a personal development newsletter for high-performers who put themselves first so that they can show up for the people they love.

Today, we're exploring what happens after you achieve the holy grail of adulthood: work-life integration 🏆. You got everything you wanted: a lucrative job, a loving family, and good health. You should be happy, right?

😖 So why does it still feel like you're not doing enough?

Let's talk about what you can do to enjoy your hard-earned success.

Read the full newsletter below.

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You did everything right. You rejected hustle culture and prioritized self-care.

You gained more control over your day and life is pretty sweet.

You should feel balanced and aligned.

🫤 But something still feels off.

Sometimes it's subtle. Other times it's a wave of guilt-frustration-resentment when you have to choose between your priorities.

Why do I still struggle with choosing between meeting a deadline and meeting my kid after school?

Because it was never about controlling your time.

You changed how you spend your time, but you didn't change how you think about your time.

Our actions are influenced by our thoughts. How we think about any particular thing is based on our beliefs.

And our beliefs stem from our values. So let's start there.
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⚖️ how to feel more aligned

People who strive to be better naturally want to be aligned with their values.

​But if you're like most people, you struggle with naming your values.

We know how it feels when we're not aligned with our values.

• Doubt when we second-guess our choices.
• Frustration when we can't meet our expectations.
• Guilt when we disappoint someone with our boundaries.

To understand why this matters, let's break down how values influence every decision you make.

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🧭 Values are your inner compass.

They're the rules you won't break, even if you're tempted by a million dollars (or a pet duck).

Everyone has a core set of values. You can't talk about identity and purpose without them.

If you need help articulating your values, here's a good place to start: open this page of values and pick three to five values you're drawn to.
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💭 From our core values, we form beliefs.

​Many of our beliefs were formed during childhood and do not change unless we intentionally work on them.​

In other words, your inner child is running the show.

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⚡ We rarely think about our values and beliefs on a daily basis, but they show up through our actions.

The actions that challenge our beliefs show up as those off moments or tension points. What should be a straightforward decision feels like we're conducting a high-stakes negotiation.

Should I do that? What if something bad happens? [Insert excuse we make for other people's behavior].

It's exhausting enough that we make over 33,000 decisions a day, but certain actions make the mental load feel ten times heavier.

These certain actions feel heavier because they involve behavior changes. Even if they are positive changes, we are constantly testing our self-control because our brains do not like change.

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💡 Here's how values, beliefs, and actions come together: when you've acted a certain way based on a belief you've had since childhood, then changing your actions without updating the belief feels like you are violating your values.

Your brain shouts "Danger! Danger! Danger!"

Your body tenses up, ready to fight (or flee).

This doesn't mean you should abandon these new actions that are good for you. Instead, reflect on the outdated belief that's holding you back and rewire it so that the belief supports your new actions.

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📙 how this looks in real life

To illustrate the connection between values, beliefs, and actions, here is my story.

One of my core values is responsibility.

My old beliefs around responsibility were:

• I have to work really hard to be a good person.
• I need to take care of everyone else first.
• I owe my parents for their sacrifices.

My actions around these old beliefs looked like:

• Making my career my entire identity.
• Taking on everyone's problems as my own.
• Blindly obeying my parents' orders.

Fast forward to peaking early in my career where I met burnout and my mental health in shambles. I needed to slow down and take care of myself.

However, my new actions of slowing down and prioritizing myself felt like a direct violation of my values.

• Old belief = I need to take care of everyone else first.
• New action = I'm reinforcing a boundary so I have time for myself.
• Conclusion = I am irresponsible.

🫣 Yikes.

That's why it's not easy to "just stop being a people pleaser" or "do what's best for you." You don't know what those things mean until you can articulate your values and update your belief system.

Through active intervention (shoutout to my therapists), I learned how to shift my old beliefs into new ones that honored my values and supported the new actions I wanted to take.

💣 But here's the truth that the internet gurus won't tell you: even with updated beliefs, you will still feel uneasy.

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🧘🏻 embrace the uneasiness

One of my new beliefs about responsibility is I'm responsible for taking care of myself first so that I can take care of others.

🌈 Now everything is sunshine and rainbows.

LOL. I wish.

Knowing better doesn't make you automatically feel better. Instead, take this as permission to be OK with feeling off. Just because you have everything you ever wanted, it doesn't mean you should always feel happy.

Sometimes you will choose work. Sometimes you will choose family. Sometimes you will choose yourself. None of them are good or bad. They just are.

It's not about one particular action; it's about repeated actions over time that make up who you are.

The uneasy feelings won't go away completely, but with practice, you will recover a bit faster each time.

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🤠 resource round-up

Three key principles about values, beliefs, and actions:

1. Your actions stem from your beliefs, and your beliefs stem from your values.
2. Our beliefs and actions can change, but our values do not change.
3. When we change our actions, we also have to update our beliefs to stay aligned with our values.
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Next time you feel like something is off, ask yourself:

• What actions am I taking (or not taking) when I feel off?
• What belief do I have about this action?
• Which value does this belief relate to?
• How can I update my beliefs to realign myself to my values?

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​Need more help figuring out your values?

1. The only personality test I recommend is the CliftonStrengths Assessment since it's backed by Gallup, one of the world's leading research and analytics companies. The assessment is not free, but you can save a little bit of money by buying the StrengthsFinder 2.0 book and using the provided code to take the assessment for free. Pro-Tip: Ask your accountant if you can write it off as a business or work expense.
2. Interested in a free resource on finding your core values? Click here to request it. Once I receive twenty-five requests, you'll be the first to know when it's available.
3. Want some help updating a belief to support a new habit? ➡️ Book a 1:1 session for only $150.

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🧭 what's next

I've been invested in my personal growth for over ten years now, so I know my five core values like the back of my hand: responsibility, learning, empowerment, fairness, and adventure.

👯‍♀️ Do we share any in common? Got a question about values? Reply and let me know!

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🌍 The world is chaotic. How can we plan anything and stay true to ourselves when everything around us is inconsistent?

In the next issue, we'll explore how you can show up consistently even when life throws you curveballs.

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See you on February 13th!

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Take care of yourself,

Susan

Susan Lee

Women empowerment coach and 🌶️ creator

Founder of Hey Ms. Lee, LLC​

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What did you think about today's newsletter? (🚨 make sure you confirm your choice on the next screen) 🤯 I NEEDED this! You read my mind. 🤔 It made me think in a good way. 🤓 Not relevant to me but I enjoyed the read!

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P.S. More people took the poll in the welcome issue and answer A is pulling ahead of the pack. Would you agree?

after work

This is a bonus section where I share opportunities, recommendations, freebies, and funsies.

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💜 volunteer at Motherload! [URGENT]

Motherload is for high-performing women who refuse to lose themselves in motherhood. We're building a community where data speaks louder than drama and empathy frees us from guilt.

We are looking for volunteers to help move our mission forward. Click here to learn more and apply.​

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🤓 project manager mentorship [LAST CALL]

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