better work issue #10

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🧲 The real reason you can't make that big decision

👋 Hey, it's Susan. Welcome to better work - a personal development newsletter for high-performers who put themselves first so that they can show up for the people they love.

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I love how high-performers think.

🧠 Their brains can't resist optimizing processes and solving problems, even if no one asked them to.

But when it comes to their personal decisions, their usual methods fall short. They want take a risk and avoid loss, which leaves them in decision purgatory.

The way out? 🤌 A sophisticated approach to navigating complex decisions, especially when there are two opposing needs involved.

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Read the full newsletter below.

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Decisions boil down to two options: do the thing or don't do the thing.

🗒️ We love a pros and cons list, but they are becoming less helpful because our lives are more complicated now.

Listing out advantages versus disadvantages is as helpful as the Mash game that predicted our futures—not very helpful.

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Pros and cons lists don't work because each of the listed items are not weighted equally. Even if you assign a weight to each item, the list still won't reflect what you really want.

Best case, the list will tell you the ideal decision for the situation, but it will not reveal the best decision for you.

📘 Quick story: in 2019, my husband and I had to decide where we wanted the military to send us next. I love a spreadsheet so I listed out the potential locations and created a formula with weighted variables (career growth, investment opportunity, proximity to family, desire to live there, etc).

The spreadsheet would calculate the best decision, we thought.

The final result was 🥁🥁🥁 San Antonio, Texas.

Our reaction:

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Logically, San Antonio made sense. We had some family nearby, we could buy our first house, and I could easily find work. These were three major factors that impacted our lifestyle.

💜 But our hearts yearned for Europe, even though we didn't have family, couldn't buy property, and I couldn't work there.

When my husband's boss asked for our preferred location, he blurted out "Europe!"

🇩🇪 That's how we ended up in Germany for three years.

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Was it hard being so far away from family, especially when COVID-19 hit right after we moved there?

😷 Yes.

Was my job situation complicated and did we take a loss in income?

💸 Yes.

Do we regret moving there?

💞 Hell no. We still talk about our time there fondly.

That one major decision you're wrestling with right now, isn't going to be a one time decision. Whatever you decide, you need to keep choosing it.

That's how old married couples become old married couples. There isn't a special formula to stay together for a long time. They choose each other when things get tough.

For a lasting transformation, we have to learn how to manage tension over a period of time without losing our center.

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⚖️ Tension x Time = Transformation

Let's say you're trying to decide if you should change jobs (again).

When you unpack this decision, it's not a simple yes or no. There are layers of choices, and there is tension within those layers.

These are three most common points of tension that come up for high-performers who I work with are...

1. Building meaningful work within capitalism - You want to create impact but need to generate revenue. Purpose AND profit must coexist.
2. Leading while questioning the system - You’re promoted to senior leadership but see systemic problems. You need career advancement AND integrity.
3. Setting boundaries while being collaborative - You’re burned out from being the “helpful one” but fear being labeled difficult. Self-preservation AND team reputation matter.

The traditional approach is to pick a side and defend it. But at this point in your career, you can't be at peace with picking a side.

But if you can't choose, then you're stuck in career limbo for however long it takes to feel comfortable with picking a side (which may never happen).

Or, you can adopt a new approach where you learn how to navigate the complexity of holding two opposing needs at the same time.

This new approach requires high emotional intelligence, clear parameters, and expectation management.

Let's see this approach in action with this debate between a doctor and twenty anti-vaxxers.​

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In the video, Dr. Mike (Dr. Mikhail Varshavski), a board-certified family medicine physician, debated twenty vaccine skeptics on key vaccination claims.

This video was a *chefs kiss* in communication. Dr. Mike expertly and empathetically navigated tough conversations without losing his composure, even when he was provoked. He stood his ground about his beliefs while also showing compassion to those who disagreed with him.

There were several great examples of holding opposing truths simultaneously in this video:

• 💉 Pharmaceutical companies want to make money AND vaccines protect people.
• ⛔ Anti-vaxxers are victims of misinformation AND villains spreading misinformation.
• 🍃 Nature can be grounding AND violent.

The point of this debate wasn't to change people's minds - it was expanded capacity for dialogue and understanding.

Expectation management is key. When we go into a conversation expecting to change people's minds, we end up villainizing each other. You know what they say when you assume - you make an ass out of u and me.

The real transformation is learning how to engage with complexity without losing our identity or shutting down. While this is a nuanced process for each person, here's a framework that we can apply to complex career decisions.

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🎗The Purpose-Profit Framework

The most common workplace complexity I see with successful, empathetic high-performers is building meaningful work within capitalism.

Here's one way to navigate it: The Purpose-Profit Framework

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How to use this framework

Rate each decision across four variables from a scale of 0 (Not at all) to 10 (Absolutely).

1. Impact Intensity - Does this work directly address problems you care about?
2. Financial Sustainability - Can this path support your lifestyle and security needs?
3. Energy Alignment - Does this work energize you?
4. Growth Trajectory - Is there growth potential in the next 2-3 years?

Interpreting your results

• Sweet Spot: 7+ on all four variables
• Stepping Stone: Growth Trajectory 8+, others 5+ (builds toward your sweet spot)
• Bridge Role: Financial Sustainability 8+, Impact 4+, others 5+ (funds your life while building purpose work)
• Avoid: Below 5 on multiple variables

Key questions for complex decisions

1. What would my 10-years-from-now self advise?
2. What am I optimizing for right now vs. long-term?
3. What’s the cost of NOT making a decision?

Gotchas to watch out for

• Instead of “I’m selling out”, Try “I’m building capacity to create more impact.”
• Instead of “I should work for free if I believe in it," Try “Sustainable impact requires sustainable income”

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If you're feeling overloaded right now, then here's a way to simplify this process even further. Ask a trusted friend, colleague, or your therapist to ask you two questions:

1. What do you want?
2. What do you really want?

The first question will bring out your default answer; what you're expected to want or what you need.

The second question will tread into the waters of your deep desires.

The thing you're not supposed to say out loud.

The thing your brain likes to slam back down when it comes up.

The thing that feels foolish and irrational, but also thrilling and right.

Two opposing truths can co-exist peacefully, but it will take some time.

If you're struggling to access what you really want because you've been conditioned to suppress your desires, you might be dealing with one of the four blind spots that keep high-performers stuck.

⚡ Want to find out which one is blocking you and turn it into the breakthrough you've been waiting for?

​Click here to join the VIP list for The High-Performer's Blind Spot Quiz. ​

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🙏 Thank you for reading.

If you recently joined better work or you need a refresher, you can view all of the past issues here.​

🫡 I'll see you on June 12th.

Take care of yourself,

Susan

Susan Lee

Career coach for holistic growth ⭐ enrolling clients for Summer 2025 ⭐

Founder of Hey Ms. Lee, LLC​

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✌️ After Work

This is a bonus section where I share opportunities, recommendations, freebies, and funsies.

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👀 Unexpected but delightful finds

• 🍎 Walmart+ saved my sanity during this big move from Hawaii to Washington, DC, thanks to their same day delivery service for groceries and household essentials. Pro-tip: AMEX Platinum card holders get a free Walmart+ membership.
• 👕 My entire family refreshed their wardrobe and the brand we're loving right now is Gap. Pro-tip: Shop on Gap's website, they're always having sales.
• 🛴 My fav way of getting around the city? Scooters! Hopp is offering 100 minutes for only $1 in Washington, DC. Pro-tip: Wear a helmet to protect that precious brain meat of yours.

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Take this as a sign from the Universe that you shouldn't build alone.

Reply to this email and tell me more about it.

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💜 Motherload is looking for writers!

Got a story to share that isn't centered around raising kids, but the woman behind it all?

✍️ Motherload will be looking for writers to share their stories on Substack in 2025.

More details are coming, but if you already know you want to be a part of this, reply to this email with the word "writer."

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