better work issue #1

​

Why it's hard to make friends as an adult (and why it matters at work).

---

👋 Hey, it's Susan. Welcome to better work - a personal development newsletter for high-performers who put themselves first so that they can show up for the people they love.

This week we're diving into a problem that feels personal but it's also a societal issue - making friends as an adult. It's easy to blame social media, moving around, or having kids when your friends don't have kids (or vice versa). But the real reason is simpler: we were never taught how to maintain a friendship unless it was convenient. Let's talk about why this matters to your quality of life and career goals.

​

Read the full newsletter below.

↓

"Let's not wait three years to talk again."

Have you ever started a conversation with a friend by trying to figure out how long it's been since you last talked to them?

While I'm grateful for friendships where we can pick right up after three years of not talking, I'm having more catch-up conversations as I get older.

🫤 It doesn't feel right.

Struggling to make new friends or not having any friends is something we half-joke about, but it's part of a serious problem where communities (also known as third places) are disappearing.​

Even the U.S. Surgeon General declared that loneliness was an epidemic in 2023.

Research points to social media, an individual-first society, and our affluence as potential reasons for shrinking communities.

But I want to talk about what we can control.

Starting with the question: how do you work on a friendship?

​

you're dead to me

There are two groups of people:

1. People who have a lot of acquaintances.
2. People who have a few, close friends.

If you're like me, you're in group two. I'm deeply loyal to the people I care about. I'll run off of a cliff for them.

But there's a contingency: if they break my trust once, then they're dead to me.

I wouldn't let them fool me twice. It didn't matter if we were best friends for years. I cut them off to protect my peace.

I don't need anybody.

I wore that badge proudly for years.

But it wasn't a badge - it was armor.

​

how friendships impact your career

Think about how you met your friends. Was it from college or work?

Makes sense.

It's easier to make friends when you're already in a room full of people with a shared interest.

But some people become convenience friends. Meaning once they're not easily accessible anymore, the friendship fizzles out.

Or, you cut them off when you get scared.

​

No one taught me how to work on a friendship worth keeping.

Instead, I witnessed my parents cut off their best friends and even family members. They never explained why.

Their choices created a ripple effect: I was close to my parent's best friend's kids and my cousins were like siblings. One day, I had a community. The next day, I didn't.

Looking back, it's not surprising that I threw myself into my career and formed a wall around me. I allowed a few people in, thinking that friendships were all or nothing.

​

​

I don't have anyone to rely on, but at least I have my career.

This way of thinking creates problems when you lose or change your career. You also miss out on a crucial opportunity - strengthening your people skills.

When you work on your friendships, you learn how to nurture relationships and build influence at work even if you don't have authority over them.

You can't make people do anything; brute force only goes so far.

This directly applies to middle management who juggle the demands of the higher-ups above while also protecting their team from being stretched too thin.

Entrepreneurs are in a similar position where they keep their clients happy while protecting their business interests.

Knowing how to work on a friendship teaches you how to influence others when you don't have power over them.

Like friendships, you make decisions at work that you can't control. There isn't a best way when other humans are involved. You make a choice, and if things go south, you trust yourself enough to make things right.

Our friendships make us better at work too.

​

hello? it's me

I can't remember why I broke off some of my friendships.

But I didn't know how to approach them after years of silence. What do you even say?

Thankfully, the Universe provides.

Kat Vellos is a friendship expert and author of We Should Get Together. Her work on friendships is profound. Her newsletter is worth subscribing to (not sponsored).

​

Kat shared that you can break the silence with a question: "Can we work on it?"

So I tried Kat's suggestion with someone I haven't spoken to in five years - let's call her M.

Best-worst-case, M ignores me. Worst-worst-case, M tells me to fuck off.

🐔 I texted M because I'm a chicken. Here's what I sent her:

​

M texted back within the hour, "I want to work on it too."

🤯 Holy sheeeet. It worked.

True friendships are not easy or convenient. Friendships are a responsibility. They require effort, not just when you have time.

An effort isn't exclusive to best friends. Some people are proximity friends, like the people at your last office job, and there's nothing wrong with that. Some people are convenience friends, like the parents of your kid's friend, and there's nothing wrong with that.

Friendships can have conflict. But real friendships are worth fighting for.

​

​

So if you're struggling to make new friends, take a look at your current friendships: how can you strengthen them?

Take a look at your past friendships: how can you renew them?

Why start over when you can start again?

​

​

don't make excuses, make memories

A friend of mine recently sent me a voice note, "I want to travel with you. Let's go somewhere next year."

There wasn't a "but."

​

I get it. A lot is going on. It's easy to default to "I don't have time for this."

But there's a cost to everything. You get what you give. Your friends won't keep showing up for you if you only show up when it's convenient.

But Susan, I reached out a couple of times and they didn't text me back.

If you know this is a good friend, then work on it.

Maybe they changed their number or maybe they're going through some shit. A lack of a response doesn't mean a lack of caring.

Follow up with, "Hey, if there's anything off between us, can we work on it?"

​

what did you think?

Wow, y'all. We did it. The first official issue of better work is in the books! 🥳

Let me know what you think by taking this poll - your feedback helps me write better. 😉

What did you think about today's newsletter? (🚨 make sure you confirm your choice on the next screen) 🤯 I NEEDED this! You read my mind. 🤔 It made me think in a good way. 🤓 Not relevant to me but I enjoyed the read!

Expect to receive an issue every two weeks (twice a month). Keep me accountable, OK?

Speaking of the next issue 👉🏼 on January 30th, we'll explore why your work and life integration feels misaligned - despite rejecting hustle culture and being in control of your schedule - and how to change it for the better.

See you in two weeks!

​

Take care of yourself,

Susan

Susan Lee

Women empowerment coach and 🌶️ creator

Founder of Hey Ms. Lee, LLC​

​

P.S. Sixteen people answered the poll in the welcome issue.

These are the top answers so far:

• A (31.25%)
• B (25%)
• C (18.75%)

Thank you to those who took the poll. I'm still looking for more feedback!

Reply to this email with your top choice: A, B, C, D, or E.

after work

This is a bonus section where I share opportunities, recommendations, and freebies. You get a little extra something for reading this far. It's like a reward.

​

is your newsletter on kit.com?

If you love my newsletter and you have an active newsletter on Kit, let's grow our email list together by recommending each other in the Creator Network. Reply to learn more.

​

​

project manager mentorship

✨ Now accepting applications for the 2025 Project Manager Mentorship Program! ✨

• Last fall, I ran a mentorship program for rising project managers and I'm opening the program again! The full details are on this booking page.
• I'm a PMP-certified mentor with 15 years of experience, offering free 1:1 mentorship to help you build stronger relationships with your teams and senior leadership. If you can dedicate four hours per month and are eager to gain fresh perspective from someone outside your organization, book a discovery call with me to see if this opportunity is right for you.
• If you know someone who would be interested in this program, forward them this email or send them this link.​

​

motherload: volunteers + nightbitch

Motherload is for high-performing women who refused to lose themselves in motherhood. We're building a community where data speaks louder than drama and empathy frees us from guilt.
​

• Do you deeply resonate with our mission of supporting high-performing women who refuse to lose themselves in motherhood?
• Do you want to utilize your talents for good and drive the Motherload mission forward?

​
​➡️ Yes? Then apply to volunteer!

​
We have two volunteer roles at the Motherload: 🌻 Ambassadors and ☀️ Leadership Team.

​
​Click here to learn more and apply.​
​

​

​

🎥 Need a laugh-cry-howl? I did all three while watching the movie Nightbitch. Amy Adams's character spoke to my soul within the first five minutes:

​

​Watch the full clip here. Watch Nightbitch on Hulu or Disney+ (not sponsored but I wish).

​

---