💣 Three surprising motivators behind lasting habits (and why Atomic Habits isn't working for you)

👋 Hey, it's Susan. Welcome to better work - a personal development newsletter for high-performers who put themselves first so that they can show up for the people they love.

If there's one thing a high-performer loves, it's advice on how to be better (like this newsletter 😎). High-performers gravitate towards any book or podcast with the words "habits," "productivity," or "strategy."

But if this advice worked for everyone, wouldn't we stop consuming it?

This isn't another article about purpose, accountability, or goals. Instead, we're covering three ways in which we can use loss as a motivation to create habits that stick for good.

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Read the full newsletter below.

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One of the most iconic books on habits is Atomic Habits by James Clear, and you'll soon see why.

Clear believed that the easiest way to start a new habit is to keep the barrier to entry as low as possible: set a timer for only two minutes and stack the new habit with an established routine.

🏋️‍♀️ This means that if all you do is drive to the gym and stand in the room for two minutes, then that counts as your exercise for the day.

So I tried Clear's approach with something I desperately wanted, but couldn't start for whatever reason ➡️ to write my book.

I dedicated two minutes of writing time after I ate breakfast. I had my laptop open to a Word document right next to my bowl of cereal.

When the timer went off, I closed the lid of my laptop and grabbed my dogs' leashes. I positioned my writing time between two established routines; eating breakfast and walking the dogs.

📙 And guess what? I wrote for thirty days straight - enough for the first chapter! I was so proud of myself.

But I stopped and haven't written since 2021. 🫣

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🐹 The problem with small changes

While Clear's habit strategy helped me start, his approach didn't sustain me. When life got in the way, the little things got dropped first.

👋 Bye-bye two minutes of writing.

I had every intention of continuing my book. But as time went on, it got harder to start again.

An object at rest remains at rest - the law of physics applies to book writing apparently.

No matter how strategic or hacky you get with your new habit, you need the right motivation to start and sustain it.

Most of the time we think of motivation as what we can gain.

​But loss is a more powerful motivator.​

This is also known as loss aversion. Loss aversion is a cognitive bias where we feel more intense pain from losing something than the pleasure of gaining something.

For example, the impact of losing $100 feels more intense than winning $100.

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We want to eat healthier, exercise more, and overall be better. But the loss (or trade-offs) outweighs the gains.

I propose an unconventional approach: let's lean into the concept of loss. Could we make the loss so compelling that it feels like you're gaining something?

Here are three types of loss we'll cover to help you create lasting healthy habits:

1. 🩹 Loss of pain
2. 🧠 Loss of decision-making
3. 🛡️ Loss of approval

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🩹 Motivator #1: Loss of pain

Whether or not you're into the 'new year, new me' hype, the new year is an unavoidable reminder that we can better ourselves.

Or is it?

Josh Johnson, one of my favorite comedians and a masterful storyteller, shared his take on New Year's resolutions:

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Johnson's theory makes sense when I think about the habits that stuck for over a decade, like my yoga practice and skincare routine.

🌊 Let's dive in further: how did yoga help me stop hurting myself?

Yoga is torture for a high-performer because you have to slow down, stay in the moment, and quiet the mind.

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I tried high-intensity alternatives like spin class and kickboxing. They were fun and challenging, but they didn't stick because they didn't solve the real problem.

🧘🏻 Yoga teaches you how to listen to your body and as a result, how to respect your body. Through the practice, I discovered physical pain I had ignored for years (which was connected to the mental breakdown I had in 2014).

Ironically, now that I'm aware of the pain, I feel it more when I skip yoga class.

My yoga habit is time-consuming, expensive, and inconvenient; the opposite of what Atomic Habits recommends.

🩹 But yoga stops the hurting.

The loss of pain is strong enough of a motivator for the habit to stick - ten years and going strong.

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🧠 Motivator #2: Loss of decision-making

Nothing is more empowering than making your own decisions.

But when it comes to habits, decision-making increases the chances of failure.

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Our brain doesn't care if a new habit is good or bad.

Newness brings change and our brains don't like change because change is biologically painful.

No matter the willpower or self-discipline, you're testing your self-control every time you try to enforce the new habit.

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Imagine a three-year-old asking you "Why?" and then screaming every time you try to do something. You're patient the first few times, but eventually you'll cave.

Self-control is enough until things get stressful or overwhelming.

🧠 Here's the workaround: avoid testing your self-control by making the decision a no-brainer.

Here are three different examples:

• ☀️ When you become a parent, you become a morning person.
• ⛰️ People pay for expensive retreats to complete specific goals.
• 🫶 If charity is one of your values, you will volunteer and donate without being asked.

At first, you will doubt yourself and fall off the wagon over and over again.

But as long as you keep getting back up, you'll one day find yourself doing the thing consistently on auto-pilot.

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🛡️ Motivator #3: Loss of approval

My go-to resource for helping people start something new is Michael Bungay Stainer's book How to Begin. It's a guide and workbook all in one.

Stainer claimed that you need to set a worthy goal to sustain your new habit.

I don't think that's enough.

💡 Your worthy goal also needs to be worthy of rejection.

When you put yourself in a situation where you can be rejected, you are putting yourself at risk for criticism, abandonment, or even threats.

This type of motivator isn't for the faint of heart.

🛡️ Loss of approval feels like a death sentence for those who depend on a village or base their worth on other people's opinions.

Your worthy goal has to be compelling enough to step out of your safety zone. Even though there's a ninety-percent chance you'll get rejected, the ten-percent chance of being accepted is worth the loss.

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Here's an example:

One of my clients loved her work. She blended art and nature as a unique approach to teaching creativity and independence.

🫣 She was also embarrassed by it.

She compared herself to her peers who worked "real jobs" and diminished what she had to offer. She knew she was being hard on herself, but she couldn't help but seek their approval.

That was the real reason why she was stuck in her business.

👉 I told her she needed to figure out what this work meant outside of her own goals. The meaning had to be compelling enough that she would eagerly walk up to strangers so she could tell them about her work.

Ninety percent of the time people will ignore or reject her (including her peers). The other ten percent of acceptance will outweigh the rejection because true belonging is transformative.

That's why what you seek has to be bigger than you. When you stop seeking approval from others, you free yourself.

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💣 What's next?

Earlier I mentioned that yoga helped me listen and heal my body, but being more aware of the pain made things hurt more.

No one talks about the downside of healing.

👹 Like the predatory nature of companies that profit off of your pain.

💔 Like the loss of the village that was supposed to love you unconditionally.

If healing generational trauma is a priority for you, then you don't want to miss the next issue.

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See you on March 13th!

Take care of yourself,

Susan

Susan Lee

Career coach for holistic growth ⭐ now taking new clients ⭐

Founder of Hey Ms. Lee, LLC​

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🍬 My favorite snackable newsletter

James Clear has a habits and self-improvement newsletter called 3-2-1 with the tagline "The most wisdom per word of any newsletter on the web."

Every Thursday, he sends out 3 ideas, 2 quotes, and 1 question to consider that week.

Here's a recent quote he shared that hit home for me recently:

🎯 Is that friendship part hitting home?

Read our take on why it's hard to make friends as an adult and a simple way to change it.

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