Little luxuries were always for another time.
The free makeup samples from Sephora.
The real pearl earrings inherited from my aunt.
I saved things like that for a "special" occasion…then years went by.
During major procrastination episodes cleaning sprees, I tossed the spoiled samples and kept my dusty heirlooms. I thought about just how long they sat in their drawers, unused. When I did feel a desire to use them, I worried more about “wasting” them. Then ironically I never used them, and I ended up wasting them anyway.
I knew it didn’t make sense.
Despite knowing I was behaving irrationally, my behavior stayed the same.
Underneath all the stockpiling, what I wasn’t asking myself was the deeper question: "Why am I only allowed nice things on special occasions?"
Deprogramming survival mode
I grew up with very little money but didn't feel poor. My parents never put the burden of earning money on my brother and me. School was our only responsibility, aside from keeping tidy rooms. The lights stayed on, our bellies were full, and we wore clean clothes to school.
Anything beyond necessities felt irresponsible. What we defined as “luxuries” were pretty commonplace for other kids. For example, I never had a Cabbage Patch Doll. My brother never got a Sega. We never went to Disney World (and still haven't).
When my brother finally got his first Nintendo and a single game (Super Smash Brothers, of course), we must have put a thousand hours on that thing. When my parents bought me my first VHS tape, The Lion King, I watched it so many times I can still recite all the songs by heart.
I’m grateful that money lessons were passed on to us, but it came with baggage. Like feeling shame when we spent money on ourselves, or believing that being a little indulgent was the same as being reckless.
I live quite differently now than the way I did for most of my life. I'm not in survival mode anymore, and I’ve de-programmed acting like I am. But I had to challenge myself and use my support system to learn a different, less anxious way of living.
One of the biggest steps I’ve taken to unlearn survival mode was redefining "waste." I forced myself to spend money - and time - on what would have been deemed a waste earlier in my life.
For example: every month, my husband and I both have $50 of Fun Money. There is only one rule: be impractical.
He likes to spend his money on collecting Magic cards. I like to entertain my inner child with things like this defective toy that went viral.
Fun Money is a low-lift and consistent way for me to unclench my jaw and remind myself that it's not a waste if it brings me joy.
Beyond survival mode
The survival mindset drove my professional choices as well. I optimized for safety long after achieving it. I kept polishing the resume, collecting certifications, researching the next move, waiting until I was certain.
All high-performers do this.
We tell ourselves we're being responsible. Sometimes we're just scared. Survival mode feels correct because it uses preparation as a mask for our fears.
But you deserve more than survival, especially when you're not being forced into survival mode.
Look at any apocalyptic movie - or this one theoretically apocalyptic movie, After the Dark. In it, students are tasked with rebuilding humanity after an apocalypse.
They immediately save the doctor, engineer, and soldier. Nobody thinks the harp player, opera singer, or fashion designer matters.
What they eventually learn is that survival isn't the same thing as living.
This is why we (elder Millennials and young Gen Xers) feel restless these days. We're in the mid-life phase. We’re having talks about starting over, including careers and relationships. We’re raising kids, caring for aging parents, and reckoning with our own changing bodies (perimenopause for the ladies, cardiac issues for the men, creaky knees for everybody!).
But we're not experiencing the survival struggles of our parents or grandparents. They learned how to survive and accomplished that, then they passed it on to us.
But we face a new difficult problem: we were never taught how to live.
Being stuck in a survival mindset keeps us alive but ironically drains the life out of us.
Like that simulation in After the Dark, we can't sustain rigidly living on essentials forever. We don’t need peer-reviewed research or a two-hour long thought experiment to know that’s true.
We're living it right now.
Your luxurious life
Today, when we ask ourselves 'What do I want?' and draw a blank, that's because that question was a luxury we couldn't afford to ask for so long. Figuring out 'What’s next?' without a guide is terrifying.
Every time you try to make a move, you freeze. Or divert. Or attempt to logic yourself out of the things you’re feeling.
Not everyone feels this way. Some lucky ducks are content with what they have and go with the flow. But you and I aren’t built that way, are we?
I can promise you this: enjoying your life gets easier once you’ve built a life that puts your needs and wants first. And the good news is, you don’t have to figure out your next step alone.
That’s exactly why I built Forward on Purpose, where we're building the framework you were never given. If you're tired of managing your life instead of living it, apply for one of the four remaining spots.
Before you go, let's practice that "wants" thinking now.
If you had $50 of Fun Money to spend this month, what would you buy?
Take care of yourself,
Susan
